Michelle's Shell

I’m a pretty good performer. I’ve been doing it since I was young. Whether in church, at school or at work, I figured out my parts. Growing up a pastor’s daughter, I had a “stage” pretty early. While my parents never made me feel I had to act a certain way because of my “pk” (pastor’s kid) status, I knew people watched me. Some pk’s resent this. But I rather enjoyed the attention. I learned how to act in front of the adults. I knew how to dress, how to smile, and how to speak. I was a “good” girl. And it made me feel valuable. I learned to act at school too. When I failed the “coolness” test early, I learned how to hide my pain. I didn’t let them know how the rejection affected me, crying my tears in my private bedroom instead. I was quiet, but I could somehow get up on the stage for a talk or a school play and shine brightly. I may not have been cool, but I was smart. I could achieve. I would prove myself worthwhile – somehow. When I got to high school, I had a chance for a new start....

Single . Yes, I’ve had a lot of experience with that status.  While many girls at 18 think they’ll die if they don’t find their man soon, I’ve made it to 28.  And I’ve heard the accompanying comments like, “So… just haven’t found the right one yet?”  Or, “I’d have thought you’d have changed your last name by now!”  So since I am such an expert (cough) on single life, I thought I’d take a moment to reflect on its myths and realities. 1. Aren’t you ready yet? For starters, I’ve become pretty sure we’re not all ready to have a serious relationship and get married at 21 or younger.  I didn’t see why I wasn’t.  But when the rubber hit the road I found out!  And the truth is that though I thought I knew who I was at 21, I would change in a whole lot of ways over the next few years.  Much of my life mission, goals, passions, and the priorities that now define my life were largely discovered after the age of 21.  And I have gotten to travel, have...

Boxes.  I hate feeling pushed into someone else’s.  Yet I realize how quick I am to throw out people and ideas that don’t fit into mine.  Religion.  It’s received somewhat of a bad name.  I know and hear of many people who feel they have to go “beyond” religion to find meaning, spirituality, or even God.  Is religion just another box?  Truth.  It can seem threatened by those things that attempt to break down the walls of the “boxes” in religion.  Does that mean “truth” is just another box?  Or could it be deeper, broader, and different? Admittedly, something in me likes things to stay in neat and tidy boxes.  I search for order, borders, and appropriate separations.  Right versus wrong.  Good versus bad. Appropriate versus inappropriate.  I long to be someone that stands for truth and lives with conviction.  But sometimes, ignorance of truth and or lack of conviction are easily filled with religious norms a...

From May 4, 2012 This weekend marks seven years since I walked down Southern’s graduation aisle and gave God permission to throw me out as a laborer into His harvest (Luke 10:2).  I’m sure I didn’t understand then just how “radical” (as Pr. Derek Morris would say) that prayer was.  And honestly, seven years later I’m still finding it out. I’ll never forget leaving my post-graduation summer internship with Adventist Health System, having turned down a spot in their tempting financial management residency program, and setting foot in the doublewide trailer that housed the Amazing Facts College of Evangelism.  A few years before I would have NEVER pictured myself in a place like that.  College of Evangelism?  What?  Great, but not for people like me…  However, I also won’t forget the amazing things I learned and the vivid feeling of never having been more sure that I made the right choice. Yet my experience with God’s radical responses really ...

If you look through my archives, you can see that I've been a successful blogger since the good old year of 2006. Yet I've probably posted like 5 things since then, haha... I still don't promise that I'll use this thing, but I did just transfer some of my notes from Facebook etc. here just so it looks like I've actually written... something... since 2008! So you may get really bored if you follow my blog, but hey, maybe I'll change someday... ;)

From January 26, 2011 I can’t say I’ve had the best past week or so. My housemate was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer last week. Another close friend lost a family member to suicide. I have friends struggling with God, abusive pasts, and pain. Sometimes it’s tempting to feel like the devil’s winning all the battles. But this week I’ve also seen the devil lose. In the face of surrounding despair, God’s really been calling me to prayer. From January 5-15, some friends and I participated in the Operation Global Rain 10 days of prayer. If it wasn’t for those days, I know I wouldn’t have the same strength right now. And I’ve recently started praying with a group at 7:00 am. Yes, I mean morning. For those of you who know me, that’s a big deal :) You have no idea the difference that the combination of prayer and community has made. I believe it’s been life to me. Tough things have still been happening, but I have also seen God start to win some long-standing spirit...

From November 14, 2010 My grandmother lived a long and full life. Today (9/24/10) began her rest in Jesus - it's something we've been expecting for awhile, something that's for the best. But I post this old journal entry in her memory, and for those others eagerly waiting for a day of ultimate reunion. 9/29/06: I’ve known that Grandma’s been getting old for a while now. I’ve watched the declension of the vision, memory, reasoning, and energy. The woman who was once so close fades to someone I know less and less. Yet I still see glimpses of the “Grammie” I loved so much. The one I’d lay in bed with in her old Owensboro, Kentucky home and ask, “Grammie, tell me about when you were a little girl.” The one whose visits made sleeping in the guest room fun. The one who’s been there as long as I remember, and whose house was worth those long drives to go visit. There were the summer afternoons reading books on her porch. The tales about relatives, friends, and places ...