On Being Single

Single. Yes, I’ve had a lot of experience with that status.  While many girls at 18 think they’ll die if they don’t find their man soon, I’ve made it to 28.  And I’ve heard the accompanying comments like, “So… just haven’t found the right one yet?”  Or, “I’d have thought you’d have changed your last name by now!”  So since I am such an expert (cough) on single life, I thought I’d take a moment to reflect on its myths and realities.

1. Aren’t you ready yet? For starters, I’ve become pretty sure we’re not all ready to have a serious relationship and get married at 21 or younger.  I didn’t see why I wasn’t.  But when the rubber hit the road I found out!  And the truth is that though I thought I knew who I was at 21, I would change in a whole lot of ways over the next few years.  Much of my life mission, goals, passions, and the priorities that now define my life were largely discovered after the age of 21.  And I have gotten to travel, have crazy jobs, and do many things I would have probably never done if I had married at 21.  As a result, the type of person I’d look for today is different from what I looked for then.  What fit then wouldn’t now.  God knew, I didn’t.  I now am a firm believer in taking time to become solid in Christ and his purpose for your life first. It’s worth it.

2. But does being an older single make you more desperate?  Well, I can’t say there’s not the temptation to just settle.  Yes, the older we get, the smaller “pool” seems to get! Better snatch one now while there’s still a few decent ones left, right?!  But on the other hand, I think that waiting can also make us less likely to just “settle.”  Hey, if we’ve waited this long, it better be worth it!  If God didn’t open things up with the nice guys of the past, He must have someone really good in store, right?  And honestly, I do believe that.  If God really does want only good for His children, then it must be so.  So let’s not take this post as a cue for pity dates – though I don’t mind a nice outing now and then… lol ;)

3. Aren’t you being a perfectionist? For the record, I don’t even believe that there’s only one right person out there for us.  There are probably a few that would work just fine.  And I realize no one will be perfect - which is probably good because I’m definitely not perfect!  And guess what, I’ve even heard that marriage will not suddenly make me happy and solve my problems, though it’s still tempting to hope so ;)   Maybe we focus too much on what a relationship will do for us, instead of on the service and commitment of selfless love that marriage is meant to teach us. But that being said, I’ve seen too many people give up a lot of their mission and even values out of a desire to get married and “make” a relationship work.  Though I believe that God can take two people who love Him but aren’t a great match for each other and make it work, I don’t think that’s His ideal.  If you aren’t going to be able to serve God better with this person than as a single, is it really His best plan? (Amos 3:3)

4. But what if I end up alone?  Aloneness.  Yeah, I can’t say I haven’t had to face this reality. And to be honest, it’s probably the scariest part.  Because it’s not always easy being single.  It can get lonely.  It can seem hard to “move on” in life without doing the whole marriage and family thing like your peers.  And I realize that I, like very many young adults (and humans in general), long to love and be loved. We were created for it.  Though I am a believer that God can be enough for us, I’m not sure we necessarily become “satisfied” with just being single or that we have to.  We were made for community, and I’m very blessed by friends and support I have in my life.  But still, there are times when everyone else seems to have someone but you.  When you’re tired of all the wedding invitations.  When you long to have someone to share the journey with.  I believe that this is when real trust in God gets tried. 

5.  Do I trust Him? And there’s where I’ll leave it.  Trust.  Do I really believe that God cares for my needs and will provide – married or single?  Do I believe that He knows what’s best for me?  Do I trust that He values me?  That, married or single, I’m good enough and loveable enough as He says I am?  Do I trust His timing?  Trust that even if His plan is different, it will still be okay?  Trust.  Isn’t that what God’s trying to teach us in life anyways?  We are here on a messed up planet, with messed up relationships, because we’re messed up people.  And here’s God, trying get through my messed up mind the radical reality of who He really is.  So that I can trust Him.  So that I can become like Him.  So that I can finally receive the One true love that none of us are excluded from.  And maybe, in Him, I can learn how to both receive and give the only type of love that will make a marriage work and keep a single sane :)


"And you are complete in Him..." Col. 2:10