Choices Pt. 5: The Choice to be Real

There was a time when I didn’t feel like I could be very real.  I lived with spiritual people in a religious world.  Yet I remember thinking, “If I really tell people what I’m going through I’ll probably just get another Bible verse, quote, or be told to have more faith.”  And sometimes that did happen.  I’d leave feeling more guilty and more motivated to just keep my wall up. 

But the nature of playing a part is that the only way to keep the outside looking great is to let the inside crumble and die a little more.  I was struggling.  I longed for people to know, yet I feared it like the plague at the same time.  I was a spiritual leader…  What would people think?  Thankfully though, I had a friend who noticed.  And one night he took the time to come to me and say, “Michelle, how are you doing?  Really.”  Then the wall came down.  I didn’t even want it to!  Yet instead of judgment, my friend started sharing his own story of struggle.  He didn’t pretend.  He did the one thing I’d been longing for most – he was real.

And thankfully, my friend’s story didn’t end in despair.  He’d found hope.  He’d found what he was really longing for in God.  And he gave me the understanding and hope I needed to start on a journey I’ll forever be grateful for.  When I saw that he understood the struggle, then I could understand his faith.  He chose to be real, and in turn I could believe that his experience was real.

God has done many things in my life since then.  I praise the Lord that I’m not in the place that I was.  But I’m still faced with the challenge: the challenge of being real.  I’m a teacher.  A spiritual leader.  It's my job and my love to train young people for ministry and help them grow spiritually.  But sometimes with that, it can still seem awkward to share the struggles.  There are… expectations.  When I first started sharing, I worried that people wouldn’t respect me the same way.  But something counterintuitive has happened: As I’ve started sharing my struggles, my ministry has actually opened, not diminished. As I choose to be real, I find others being willing to be real as well.  The darkness and secrecy that breed sin are broken.  And then real growth can happen.  Real relationships.  Real life. 

No, this doesn’t mean I share every aspect of every struggle I go through with everyone.  There’s a time and place for things, and there are things I’d share privately with one person but not another.  It’s still scary…  But I can’t help but realizing how much we as humans long to be able to be real, known, and accepted in spite of it.  And I think our church longs for it – and lacks it greatly.  

So maybe if our leaders, myself included, got down off of our pedestals and chose to set the tone, others would follow.  Maybe we’d be one step closer to being the kind of community we were intended to be.  Lord, help me to choose to be real – real about the realities of the struggle, but also real about the genuine grace I’ve found.

“Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too

So with a painted grin, I play the part again

So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples?

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain?

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade.”

- Casting Crowns, Stained Glass Masquerade